A pregnancy update on this sixth day of my hospital bed rest. My first update was about guilt; this one is more about fear…
Well, it looks like I will be here awhile. Or I should say, I hope I will be here awhile. The doctors have pretty much confirmed my water broke at 25 weeks (a condition called PPROM). Because of the risk of infection and bleeding, I have to be closely monitored in the hospital until the baby is born. The goal is to stay pregnant as long as possible, but if any point I get a fever or show signs of infection, I will have to deliver the baby.
Needless to say, it’s a very frightening situation. And because I have been through something similar before, I know what to expect – which almost makes it worse.
What does it mean that God allows you to experience almost the exact same trial twice? I thought I had proven myself to be faithful and obedient during the first time I went through PPROM. I thought I could check the “She trusts the Lord with every aspect of her life” box – ha!
But here I am back in the same hospital, the same floor; nearly the same room and I am fearful.
Fearful that I will get an infection or hemorrhage. Fearful that they won’t get the baby out quickly enough when it’s time to deliver. Fearful that my doctor won’t make it in time and some inexperienced resident will have to give me a C-section. Fearful that something might happen to me and my girls will be without a mother (and be angry at me the rest of their lives for having a fourth baby!). Fearful of having another premature baby.
My friend told me to read Scripture aloud to myself until it is louder than my fear. So I have been doing that and listening to praise music. And it has helped. Days are easier; the dark and solitude of night not so much.
This verse I read today and am dwelling on it tonight, the last verse in particular:
The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.